Thursday, May 13, 2010

I think I have become COMMA HAPPY

So, I've been learning how to use proper punctuation all over again.  It has been a long time since the days of memorizing my prepositions in alphabetical order.  It seems it's the only thing I've retained from my 6th grade English class...THANKS Mrs. Hague!  We used to call her Miss Hag...poor lady.  Children can be so mean.

Every now and then, while I'm driving, I cannot help myself.  They pop into my head and I have to say them...

"aboard, about, above, across, after, against, along, among, around, at, before, behind, below, beneath, beside, between, but, by, down, during, except, for, from...with, within, without."

Okaaaay, so I can't remember the ones in the middle.  I do remember one other thing from my psychology 101 class...when memorizing a list, we tend to remember the beginning and end, but not so much the middle.  Which is cool 'cause no one wants to hear me list ALL the preps.  It's a snooze-fest.

When someone ends a sentence with a preposition (which is often), it puts the ball in motion and I have to recite them.  I usually don't do this aloud, thank the Lordy.  Sometimes I can exercise a little self restraint.

In most modern forms of communication, e.g. blogging, texting, IMing, emaling, tweeting, etc., we have replaced punctuation with the ellipses.  In some serious cases, we have nixed punctuation entirely.  I am trying my hardest not to use the "..."  all the time.  It's almost as hard as quitting smoking.

To quit this nasty habit, I have had to look into the use of the semicolon.  For those of you who are saying,  "Crap, how DOES one use a semicolon?!", the answer is here.  If you don't care about how to use it or think you already know (but probably don't), please go here anyway, 'cause semicolon make uh me SMILE.

To the judgmental reader:  Yes, I am aware of all the mistakes I've made writing this particular blog.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Boring Boys, Beer, and My Beloved Rom Coms...

Male behavior has become almost comical. It's unoriginal. It's predictable...and it's booooorrringgg. I am literally bored to tears by it. I don't have time to be bored. THANK GOD.

That's the secret to being single AND happy. You have to become a workaholic. I told my poor friend this tonight and she confessed that the trouble with her guy started when she took some time off from work... "Idle hands are the devil's playground." It's absolutely true. I've gotten into way too many Melrose Place type scenarios in the past nine years...all because I wasn't busy enough. Well, I have decided to remove my thumb from my butt. Admittedly, it's not the sexiest move.

I used to think I'd never be jaded. I actually don't think I'm that jaded now, which is surprising. I think it's because my memory is so god awful. No kidding. Part of the reason I write about my life is so I can remember. If i didn't write it, it'd be as if it never happened. Perhaps this is why I returned to my ex after he dumped me five times. Ohhh I like that reasoning! That means I'm not actually crazy, just forgetful! Um...yeaaaahhhhh.

I'll tell you what makes women crazy. We have seen WAY to many romantic comedies with happy endings. I'm not going to stop watching them either. I don't care how sick that makes me. I LOVE THEM. I love them more than ANY man. Even when I had a man, I loved them more. I will be on my death bed watching all of them...a marathon of romantic comedies. My friends and family will be welcomed to join me. Or, as my dad always says, "I want to go in the middle of sipping an ice cold, frosty, glass of beer...that's it...just drop dead on the spot, mid sip."

When Harry Met Sally...

Reality Bites...


Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind (you have to be strong to watch this one)...

Annie Hall...

Say Anything...

He Lost His Mind! YAY!

I don't read Perez Hilton regularly because I usually don't know half the people he's posting about. That's how you know you're getting old...when you don't recognize who the famous people are in the magazines and your friends tell you that you're "like a mom". I have one friend who calls me "Nana", 'cause apparently I'm old and unhip.

Anyway, so I checked Perez today (so i could try and be more hip) and luckily he posted about a celebrity from the 80's (my favorite kind of celeb)...

He's a nutter. He lost his mind. I think it's wonderful. YOU TELL 'em DAN! This is way more entertaining than Scientology.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Daily Grind...

So I started a new job on top of the wine bar. It's a wonderful little gallery called Mr. Musichead.

This means I'm working over 70 hours a week. It has been years since I've worked this you can imagine, this has been quite a shock to my system. Oh, by the way, this is only day two and I almost lost my shit on one of the cooks at the restaurant. He's the kind of person who smirks when he's mean to you and especially when he has SERIOUSLY gotten under your skin.

There is a very charming dynamic in restaurants between the FOH (front of house) and the BOH (back of house) that basically consists of making sure you make each other's job as difficult as possible. Tonight went a little something like this:

Dealing with high maintenance women who don't like their wine. One is allergic to gluten or is on a no carb diet, like every other woman in L.A. She asks me what kind of cheeses come on the charcuterie. In our restaurant, it's chef's choice and so it is often a random selection. I went to ask the kitchen...

ME: What kind of cheese is on the charcuterie tonight?

CHEF #2: (biggest fucking attitude for no reason) Hook's cheddar, Mt. Tam, and whatever I feel like.

ME: Can you tell me what that might be?

CHEF #2: Maybe the aged goat (which tastes like dirty socks, probably not something this particular customer would like) or the sheep.

ME: Great. Thanks. Cheddar, Mt. Tam, and a mystery cheese.

I go back to the table and tell her. She says she wants extra salami and no pork rillettes, as it comes on toast. I relay this message to the kitchen...

ME: Can i get extra salami instead of rillettes?

COOK #2: Umm...I guess.

ME: *roll eyes* while mentally flipping him off (this is hour #13 of work)

Plank comes out with extra cured pork loin instead. ARRRGHHHHH!!!

ME: Ummm, I asked for extra salami

COOK #2: Yeah, we don't have salami...we have saLUMI.

ME: Ummmmm....well, SALUMI actually just means there is more than one kind of salami.

Of course he knew exactly what I wanted but had to be a wise ass, which is what I called him. I'm pretty sure this made him giggle to himself the rest of the night. I realized later it would have been better to call him something more tough, like "fuck ass." The funny thing is, this was just the tip of the iceberg compared to how horribly unpleasant he normally is. He's also the same kind of person who preaches conspiracies about the government, the same shit we used to do when we were angry teenagers. Did I mention he has a mohawk? Yeeeeaaaahhhh...

OH maaan...I don't know how I'm going to keep up with a blog on top of everything else. I can't write's a lovely youtube video from one of my favorite movies instead, which also happens to contain one of my favorite movie soundtracks. It will be far more entertaining than all the complaints I have about my evening...


Tuesday, May 4, 2010


This should be watched a few times in a row. I am posting this in honor of the boys at work...

YOU! LOOK AT ME! from Everything Is Terrible! on Vimeo.

Monday, May 3, 2010

How To Do Things My Way/ The Right Way

I'm about to reveal the secrets to my happiness. You might ask yourself, "Then why does this girl do nothing but bitch and complain?!" Part of that is because my mouth/ word-hole* filter broke a long time ago. I also can't differentiate between thought and speech. BUT, what I can do is promise that the things I'm about to tell you are awesome and you will benefit from my experience of great painstaking trial and error.

Let's start with the common cold. The 3 biggest mistakes people make when they feel the first symptoms:

1. They think it might be allergies and decide to wait and see (NEVER WAIT...EVER).

2. They Worry that it might be a cold but decide to go out for beers anyway (Retarded).

3. They know that it might be a cold but since they are idiots and don't believe in medicine, they go about their business and the illness lasts twice as long, e.g. dumb boys, Scientologists, Mormons etc.

Even Scientologists can take what I'm about to prescribe...

It is...


For the folks who don't mind (perhaps even enjoy) getting doped up on cold meds, like me, I recommend:


...because it has the daytime and night time remedy all in one and it works really well.

Now for my most important discovery...I must give partial credit to my dad because I caught him taking this for a really bad hang over. He held out on me for years though and I couldn't believe he never told me. It really is something you should tell your kids. Perhaps insert it into the conversation about the birds and the bees.

Here's a hint:

Yep, plain ol' Alka-Seltzer. You take one before you go to bed. Chugging a bunch of water does jack. When you wake up, if you STILL don't feel so hot, take another one. Then, force yourself into a shower and in an hour you should be feeling a lot better. The beauty of Alka-Seltzer is you can take it on an empty stomach and it will never make you feel nauseous.

Apparently they have something called Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief?! A friend told me about this one.  I almost shit my pants with excitement.  I have yet to get through my 72 pack of the original formula (my single purchase at Costco). When I do, it will be my first purchase.

I can't WAIT to try it!  Kinda seems like I'm working for them, doesn't it?  I might have a problem.

*My friend, Jonny Car Talk, coined the phrase WORD-HOLE.  I'd never hear the end of it if I didn't give him credit.  You are the BEST, Jonny!  WOOOOT!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Unavailable Men, Astrology, and Prison Breaks (gotta grab the attention of those male readers).

"I was born a poor, black child." For those of you who do not recognize that quote, it's from a wonderful little movie called The Jerk, starring Steve Martin.

It's unfortunate that Mr. Martin has not aged so gracefully and now looks like an older woman with bad plastic surgery.

For the record, I was not born a poor, black child. I know there are some people who might be scratching their heads by that statement or have a serious case of "no sense of humor". It's important to be clear.

I was actually born in New York City hospital. According to my father, I popped out at around 4:30 in the afternoon. My mother insists that it was closer to 10 AM. They both agree on the actual date, which is good. This has always put a damper on my ability to accurately calculate my astrological charts (a great necessity in life). I think this is the reason I often find myself aimlessly searching for the meaning of life. Did I mention that the legal name on my birth certificate is "Female"?!

*To my parents: If you're reading this, let's just say you're BOTH right and I'm exceedingly happy you eventually chose a name for me.

*To the smarty pants reader: No, my time of birth is NOT listed on my birth certificate, although that would make sense.

I really DO take astrology with a grain of salt, though. Unless I'm checking my compatibility with a guy I'm dating in two books I believe to be magical. They have never failed me. If you do NOT own these books, you must purchase them immediately. I am certain it will save people from years of bad relationships. They are "The Secret Language of Relationships" and the "Secret Language of Birthdays." I'm pretty sure they should start keeping these items in the self-help section of the bookstore.

(If you are a male prospect, you should know that I'm only half serious).

If you're still sitting there wondering if I'm right about these books, just know this: I have a male friend who used to roll his eyes every time I mentioned these books. Now, every time he starts dating someone new, he checks their compatibility, whilst reading their "strengths" and "weaknesses" by candlelight. No, I am not kidding.

Thus far, I have had a series of relationships in which the compatibility was non-existent. Even though lack of compatibility is a good reason to split, I usually stay in those ones for a long while, wondering what I'm doing wrong. The ones that don't last past the 3 month mark are usually due to some horrible character flaw (usually not my own).

Some of the reasons for early termination:

1. He was a die hard Dave Matthews Band fan.
2. Took a bite of food and then gargled his mouth out with fruit juice.
3. Was a Republican who voted for Nader (What?! That doesn't even make sense).
4. Did his grocery shopping at 7/11.
5. Had halitosis.
6. Had too much pubic hair.
7. His nipples were too long.
8. Didn't like to eat his fruits and vegetables (I can only imagine how constipated he must be by now).
9. Wouldn't take his shirt off during sex.
10. Loved to sing but was tone deaf.
11. Baby talk (some people, if done correctly, get away with it...but not usually).
12. Had "FU" tattooed on the inside of his lip.
13. Had a copy of the Jim Crow Laws.
14. He and his entire house smelled like curry.
15. Consistently asked me to "pull his finger".
16. Had longer finger nails than me.
17. Ordered chicken teriyaki at a sushi restaurant.

Which brings me to another great quote, "How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?" - Sally Albright

The truth is, I dump men so I can spend more time with my cats. Yep. People pity crazy cat ladies, when really we just prefer them over men. They are perfect creatures, comparatively. Maybe I should consider therapy since cats are about as emotionally unavailable as the men I date.

Ah, the emotionally unavailable...

I went to see the new Star Trek last year, with a girlfriend. During the movie, I kept leaning over to tell her how attractive I thought the young Spock was. Finally, the third time I mentioned it she said, "That's because he's emotionally unavailable." My god. She was right. Not only did she give me great insight, but she also got me to stop talking during the movie; no small feat.

The only remedy for falling for the unavailable, is to become unavailable. This does not mean ignoring text messages or reading more books like Why Men Love Bitches. It means taking up hobbies and finding your one true passion. I thought my passion was painting but then I realized I wasn't doing it every day. I will always paint but I need an every day passion that I look forward to.

All of my friends and family know that I talk endlessly about the inner workings of relationships. I can go on...and on...and on. I figure it's only a matter of time before everyone tells me to take a hike and to stop thinking out loud. (I'm a little's no secret). So, I think it's best to tell my "man stories" to strangers by blogging. I want to make use of my passion and give my friends a vacation from all of my obsessions. I think they will be very pleased...

..until they realize how offended I'll be if they don't read my blog regularly.