Sunday, May 2, 2010

Unavailable Men, Astrology, and Prison Breaks (gotta grab the attention of those male readers).

"I was born a poor, black child." For those of you who do not recognize that quote, it's from a wonderful little movie called The Jerk, starring Steve Martin.

It's unfortunate that Mr. Martin has not aged so gracefully and now looks like an older woman with bad plastic surgery.

For the record, I was not born a poor, black child. I know there are some people who might be scratching their heads by that statement or have a serious case of "no sense of humor". It's important to be clear.

I was actually born in New York City hospital. According to my father, I popped out at around 4:30 in the afternoon. My mother insists that it was closer to 10 AM. They both agree on the actual date, which is good. This has always put a damper on my ability to accurately calculate my astrological charts (a great necessity in life). I think this is the reason I often find myself aimlessly searching for the meaning of life. Did I mention that the legal name on my birth certificate is "Female"?!

*To my parents: If you're reading this, let's just say you're BOTH right and I'm exceedingly happy you eventually chose a name for me.

*To the smarty pants reader: No, my time of birth is NOT listed on my birth certificate, although that would make sense.

I really DO take astrology with a grain of salt, though. Unless I'm checking my compatibility with a guy I'm dating in two books I believe to be magical. They have never failed me. If you do NOT own these books, you must purchase them immediately. I am certain it will save people from years of bad relationships. They are "The Secret Language of Relationships" and the "Secret Language of Birthdays." I'm pretty sure they should start keeping these items in the self-help section of the bookstore.

(If you are a male prospect, you should know that I'm only half serious).

If you're still sitting there wondering if I'm right about these books, just know this: I have a male friend who used to roll his eyes every time I mentioned these books. Now, every time he starts dating someone new, he checks their compatibility, whilst reading their "strengths" and "weaknesses" by candlelight. No, I am not kidding.

Thus far, I have had a series of relationships in which the compatibility was non-existent. Even though lack of compatibility is a good reason to split, I usually stay in those ones for a long while, wondering what I'm doing wrong. The ones that don't last past the 3 month mark are usually due to some horrible character flaw (usually not my own).

Some of the reasons for early termination:

1. He was a die hard Dave Matthews Band fan.
2. Took a bite of food and then gargled his mouth out with fruit juice.
3. Was a Republican who voted for Nader (What?! That doesn't even make sense).
4. Did his grocery shopping at 7/11.
5. Had halitosis.
6. Had too much pubic hair.
7. His nipples were too long.
8. Didn't like to eat his fruits and vegetables (I can only imagine how constipated he must be by now).
9. Wouldn't take his shirt off during sex.
10. Loved to sing but was tone deaf.
11. Baby talk (some people, if done correctly, get away with it...but not usually).
12. Had "FU" tattooed on the inside of his lip.
13. Had a copy of the Jim Crow Laws.
14. He and his entire house smelled like curry.
15. Consistently asked me to "pull his finger".
16. Had longer finger nails than me.
17. Ordered chicken teriyaki at a sushi restaurant.

Which brings me to another great quote, "How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?" - Sally Albright

The truth is, I dump men so I can spend more time with my cats. Yep. People pity crazy cat ladies, when really we just prefer them over men. They are perfect creatures, comparatively. Maybe I should consider therapy since cats are about as emotionally unavailable as the men I date.

Ah, the emotionally unavailable...

I went to see the new Star Trek last year, with a girlfriend. During the movie, I kept leaning over to tell her how attractive I thought the young Spock was. Finally, the third time I mentioned it she said, "That's because he's emotionally unavailable." My god. She was right. Not only did she give me great insight, but she also got me to stop talking during the movie; no small feat.

The only remedy for falling for the unavailable, is to become unavailable. This does not mean ignoring text messages or reading more books like Why Men Love Bitches. It means taking up hobbies and finding your one true passion. I thought my passion was painting but then I realized I wasn't doing it every day. I will always paint but I need an every day passion that I look forward to.

All of my friends and family know that I talk endlessly about the inner workings of relationships. I can go on...and on...and on. I figure it's only a matter of time before everyone tells me to take a hike and to stop thinking out loud. (I'm a little's no secret). So, I think it's best to tell my "man stories" to strangers by blogging. I want to make use of my passion and give my friends a vacation from all of my obsessions. I think they will be very pleased...

..until they realize how offended I'll be if they don't read my blog regularly.


  1. Excited to be your first regular reader! :)

  2. Brilliant. I can sooo relate.I know I'm married now, but the list of boyfriends I had before! The worst. The termination list is my favorite.

  3. Thank you for featuring me in your blog. I'm kinda annoyed that your blog is better than mine, but super happy that I'm going to be able to enjoy it every week...cause it's good and I like it:)

    P.S. Boys are dumb, throw rocks at them.

  4. Erin and Melessa...I will be writing about your blogs soon...
    Mariah! Thanks for reading :) Sadly that termination list is all real. Scary.