Monday, May 3, 2010

How To Do Things My Way/ The Right Way

I'm about to reveal the secrets to my happiness. You might ask yourself, "Then why does this girl do nothing but bitch and complain?!" Part of that is because my mouth/ word-hole* filter broke a long time ago. I also can't differentiate between thought and speech. BUT, what I can do is promise that the things I'm about to tell you are awesome and you will benefit from my experience of great painstaking trial and error.

Let's start with the common cold. The 3 biggest mistakes people make when they feel the first symptoms:

1. They think it might be allergies and decide to wait and see (NEVER WAIT...EVER).

2. They Worry that it might be a cold but decide to go out for beers anyway (Retarded).

3. They know that it might be a cold but since they are idiots and don't believe in medicine, they go about their business and the illness lasts twice as long, e.g. dumb boys, Scientologists, Mormons etc.

Even Scientologists can take what I'm about to prescribe...

It is...


For the folks who don't mind (perhaps even enjoy) getting doped up on cold meds, like me, I recommend:


...because it has the daytime and night time remedy all in one and it works really well.

Now for my most important discovery...I must give partial credit to my dad because I caught him taking this for a really bad hang over. He held out on me for years though and I couldn't believe he never told me. It really is something you should tell your kids. Perhaps insert it into the conversation about the birds and the bees.

Here's a hint:

Yep, plain ol' Alka-Seltzer. You take one before you go to bed. Chugging a bunch of water does jack. When you wake up, if you STILL don't feel so hot, take another one. Then, force yourself into a shower and in an hour you should be feeling a lot better. The beauty of Alka-Seltzer is you can take it on an empty stomach and it will never make you feel nauseous.

Apparently they have something called Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief?! A friend told me about this one.  I almost shit my pants with excitement.  I have yet to get through my 72 pack of the original formula (my single purchase at Costco). When I do, it will be my first purchase.

I can't WAIT to try it!  Kinda seems like I'm working for them, doesn't it?  I might have a problem.

*My friend, Jonny Car Talk, coined the phrase WORD-HOLE.  I'd never hear the end of it if I didn't give him credit.  You are the BEST, Jonny!  WOOOOT!


  1. Alky Seltzer, eh? Sounds good to me! I'll have to try that... :)

  2. hmmm, when I was sick last week I did all three of those things

  3. You should start a cold medicine/hangover cure delivery service...cause what usually happens is you are caught all unawares with either a cold or a hangover and don't feel like going to the store to buy these items. Yeah, next time either happen to me...I'm calling you.